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“Not even close.” However, I can admit to myself how good it feels just to be in her presence. Hearing her sweet voice, even when there’s a note of sarcasm winding its way through her words like an invisible thread. Anything, so long as I can look at her, speak to her, connect with her, even on a simple level like this. I’d say damn near anything for her to keep talking.
“And you’re not just saying that because I was crying?” An interesting use of past tense, considering there are still tears cutting a slow path down her cheeks. She pulls one of the sleeves of her sweater down over her fist and uses it to mop up the wetness.
“What do you want me to say, Caterina? I’m trying. For you, I’m trying.”
She releases a shuddering breath, turning her face toward the headstone bearing her mother’s name. “I know.”
I could double down now while she’s quiet and accepting. I could drill into her head the importance of her safety and how I don’t trust my enemies to lay low for long. What could have happened if one of Moroni’s men was out here and found her? I’m sure she thought about that before she left, and somehow it was still important that she get out of the house. That she ventures here to her mother’s grave.
“It isn’t easy to accept there’s something you can’t get from me.” The words come out so slowly, and each one is a struggle. She deserves to hear this, though, just as much as I need to say it. “You would rather kneel here by your mother’s grave and speak to her headstone than speak to me, the man who loves you, who would do anything for you. That’s not an easy thing to wrap my head
around.”
“You know exactly why that is.”
“I do. I know this is my fault, which doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, that makes it more impossible to bear.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to say to you. I’m not going to comfort you and tell you that I’m sorry and everything is going to be okay.”
“I don’t expect you to, and I don’t need you to. Anything I’m going through right now, I set into motion. I see it, and I want you to know I see it. And no,” I’m quick to add when her mouth opens, I’m not saying that just because I think it’s what you want to hear. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I understand and know what I did was wrong I’m sorry.”
“Why was it wrong?”
She will not be satisfied until she has me by the balls and twists them off. Right away, my old instincts flare to life, crowding my thoughts. Nobody speaks to me this way. Nobody demands I explain myself. I’m a Rossetti, a man of power and money.
That’s childish. The result of fear. If there’s any hope of us lasting–and we have to, there’s no other way–I can’t afford to blindly give in to those impulses anymore. I need to be the man she
needs me to be.
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Which is why, instead of lashing out or dragging her to the car kicking and screaming, I settle for a deep breath to steady myself. “I was never anything but open about what I wanted from us. It was wrong because I took your choice away. You deserved to decide when you were ready to start a family, and I should’ve given you a say in the matter.”
“Yes. You absolutely should have.”
“The best I can promise is to try to do better, to be a better man, and to consider you in every choice that is made regarding us.” This is fucking torture, but the expectant lift of her eyebrows tells me she is waiting for more. Fuck me. This isn’t going to end until she’s damn good and ready. “Even if it kills me, I will give you as much space as I feel is necessary while maintaining your safety,” I stress the words so she’ll understand.
“It was not safe for you to go off on your own without telling anyone in the house your plans. There will always be parts of my work and world that I have to keep from you. It’s not because I don’t trust you, but because the less you know, the more protected you are. There are a lot of moving pieces in motion right now, and I can’t have you getting caught in the middle of it all. Go where you want, but for God’s sake, take someone with you. Someone who knows how to use a gun and can protect you. That’s all I ask. I’m trying to meet you halfway, but can’t do that if you don’t do the same.”
She purses her lips but eventually nods. “I understand, and from now on, I’ll make sure somebody’s with me. I don’t want to take any chances, and I appreciate you letting me know things are still dicey.” Dicey is hardly the word for it. Regardless, I don’t want to increase her stress. I won’t get anything out of scaring her; she’s been through enough because of me.
“Thank you for that. That will give me peace of mind.”
“And in return…?
This is the woman I love. This is the woman I plan to make a life with. She’s carrying my child. She is the last person I need to alienate. No matter how makes me grind my teeth when she looks at me the way she is now, I know there’s no denying my next sentence.
“In return, I’ll run things past you before I make any major decisions. I’ll trust you.”
She doesn’t flinch or lash out when I move closer, which I take as a good sign. Eventually, I’m close enough to crouch beside Jessica’s headstone, putting me at eye level with her daughter. “I think that’s what I need you to understand now more than nearly anything. For years, I haven’t been able to trust anyone. There I was, with the best prize I could ever receive: you. Somehow I still couldn’t trust that you would stay, and I was so desperate to hold on to you, and I did something I shouldn’t have.”
“You violated my trust.” The quivering of her chin makes me want to look away, but I can’t. I won’t. I deserve to witness this.
“I did. And it was wrong. Still, I’m never going to change the man that I am at my core. I’m going to always want things my way. I will be impatient much of the time, and there will still be instances when I jump at the chance to do what I think is best’ll act on impulse, but it will only ever be out of love.”
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My fingers itch to touch her, to trace her features, and hold her in my arms. It’s been too long, since I indulged in the almost unnatural softness of her skin.
Reaching out, I stroke her cheek. She doesn’t flinch or stiffen, and I let myself go further, tracing the line of her jaw. “I love you, Caterina, and that’s why I’m going to work like hell to give you everything you need. I only need you to understand that you can’t ask me to change who I am.”
“I don’t want you to change,” she whispers before a fresh tear hits my fingers. “I love you the way you are now, even though you drive me crazy and make me doubt everything I thought I knew about myself. I love your craziness, your obsession and your need to be near me.”
Her gaze drifts back to the headstone, and her brow furrowing leaves no question of her feelings. “I wish you could’ve known her.”
“I do, too. She sounded like a good woman. I haven‘ known many in my life.” I crane my neck to see what’s etched on the gray stone.
Jessica Cole. Beloved wife and mother. Gone too soon.
Isn’t that the truth?
“Mrs. Cole,” I murmur before chuckling to myself. It would be too awkward to call a woman my age by her last name, so Jessica. There’s something I want you to know.”
“What are you doing?” Caterina whispers curiously
“You have a smart, beautiful, loving daughter. I know she must have gotten most of that from you- no offense to your husband.” Caterina snickers softly at this. “She’s shown me the sort of happiness I didn’t think was possible for a man like myself. She’s helped me become a better person and makes me want to work hard to become the sort of man she needs.”
Glancing at Caterina, I add, “There’s a question I want to ask her, but I thought I’d ask you first.” “Okay, what are you actually doing?” she asks again, standing and brushing off her knees.
I stand, too, gazing down at the headstone representing the life of a woman who was cruelly taken from the people who loved her most. People who still love her. “Jessica, I want to marry your daughter. May I please have your blessing?”
“Gianni,” Caterina’s choked whisper drags my attention back to her. I hold her upright when I do, snaking an arm around her waist. For a second there, she looked like she was ready to drop to the ground.
“I mean it.” I pull her closer, savoring her warmth, sweetness, and the way she trembles against me, “I want you to be my wife and carry my last nage. I want our child to know their parents are devoted to each other–our baby deserves that.”
“This is a lot,” she whispers with a shaky giggle. “Do you really mean it? For real?”
“Do you think this is all a game? I’ve known all along; I was going to marry you. You were meant to be my wife, and there’s nothing I want more in this world than to spend the rest of my life loving you. All I need is a single word from you.”
3/4
FIS WARS
Her pase narrows as she eyes me wearily. “This lay you way of getting me to stop being mad and
“No Not even close I have other ways of doing that
“I want you to know that this doesn’t change anything I’m still hurt, and we still have a lot of things to work out.”
“I have all the time in the world foj you and us.”
This time, the tears sparkding in his eyes seem to cry hope and happiness. “Glanni, you know! love you I want us to have a life together.”
“so it’s a yes?”
Thank you Lord I’m not sure what I would’ve done she said no.
Sara Lili is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.
